Equanimity
Michael Kroth • January 4, 2020
“At the point of rest at the center of our being, we encounter a world where all things are at rest in the same way. Then a tree becomes a mystery, a cloud a revelation, each man a cosmos of whose riches we can only catch glimpses. The life of simplicity is simple, but it opens to us a book in which we never get beyond the first syllable.”
~Dag Hammarskjöld, Markings, p. 174.
That’s equanimity to me. Being at peace with right now and doing my best not to waste it.
I played tennis on high school and college teams. My dad, an excellent player, would advise me that it was important to keep the ball in play. That going for the quick and easy point would often play right into the opponent’s strategy, which often was to merely keep the ball in play himself while pushing me to commit errors.
I used to yell (scream, now and again?) when I made a mistake, especially when I missed an easy volley or dinked a simple forehand into the net. Occasionally, I would throw my racket and make a fuss. Once in a while I would slam my racket to the ground and, although I don’t remember breaking any rackets – we, after all, were the folks playing on the municipal courts, not at the country club and and rackets were wooden in those days – I very well may have.
With maturity, and with less pressure to win I guess, I came to just enjoy playing the game. Oh, I still like to win when I play just about anything, but these days I’m much more likely to enjoy whatever I’m doing, and am less worried about winning. It turns out I’m considerably happier and enjoy myself regardless of the score.
But the reason I’m going to be exploring the idea of equanimity is that I still have a long way to go. I write to learn as much as I write to share, so my hope here is to learn about and to develop a better understanding of equanimity and what I can do regularly to develop a deeper sense of peace, contentment, and serenity in my day-to-day life.
How about you? Do you get upset, curse under your breath in traffic or when in line a stores, come to quick, emotional judgments you regret later? I do, far too often, and I imagine others of you do as well.
This is an important topic and I'll be taking this up now and again through the year. To kick this off, let’s take a brief look at equanimity.
Equanimity is peace of mind. It is calm in the storm of life. Equanimity in meditation, as Sharon Salzberg relates, is to be like a mountain - with winds and clouds and rain and animals on the move - which rest there with dignity, strength, and ease. “Sit like a mountain” she says when teaching meditation.
Another way of sitting like a mountain is to accept what is with peace. What is this attitude of acceptance? What does it look like? What is the experience? This, from Desert Wisdom: Sayings From The Desert Fathers, gives us a clue.
“As he was dying, Abba Benjamin taught his sons this: Do this and you will be saved: Rejoice always, pray constantly, and in all circumstances give thanks” (Yomura, 2001, p. 96)
Regardless of situation, this says, take it all in with peace and gratitude. Regardless of gain or loss or success or failure, life or the prospect of death, rejoice, pray, and give thanks.
Guardino (1998) goes so far as to say that “disinterestedness” is a virtue. But how can that be? I love chocolate and hate broccoli. I want that promotion, I’m upset when a less qualified person gets the job instead. I am crazy about those Patriots when they win and disconsolate when they lose. My interests motivate me, push me to be the best I can be, and they are aspirational and inspirational. How can I not have an interest when one of my children is hurting or have pride in a grandchild?
How can disinterestedness be a virtue?
Guardino tells of a Chinese proverb with says that “the fewer interests a man has, the more powerful he is; that the greatest power is complete disinterestedness” (p. 77). Here he is speaking of interestedness
in a specific way – that of self-interest. In this sense, disinterestedness is part and parcel of humility and of being of service to others rather than to oneself. An attitude of doing “work that is important and timely; [that a person] is devoted to it and does it as it should be done…seems to be disappearing” (p. 80), Guardini says. “Persons who do their duty in sincere devotion, because the work is valuable and fine, seems to becoming rare," he continues. "Actions are increasingly based upon utilitarian motives and consideration of success apart from the real matter at hand”, he goes on. Disinterestedness is what “produces the genuine work, the pure act, because it frees man for creativity. It alone gives rise to what is great and liberating, and only the man who works in this way gains interior riches” (p. 80).
Looking at this still another way, de Chardin (2001) uses the term “passionate indifference” (p. 92), which encompasses “an equal truth, that one has need of everything, and that one has need of nothing”. We will talk more about de Chardin in another essay.
All of this seems paradoxical to me and perhaps you and, I sometimes think anyway, too abstract and too esoteric. So I have to put all these interests and disinterests and indifferences and differences into simple, day-to-day reality. For me, equanimity is all about putting anxiety about the future and regrets about the past in their place – they aren’t happening right now – and instead relaxing into making the absolute best of the present moment. What is happening right now is what is important, and whether it’s getting a tooth drilled on or eating the ice cream that will cause that tooth to decay, I’m here. I’m eager. I’m paying attention. I’m as relaxed and attentive as I can manage. I’m receptive to everything around me and within me.
That’s equanimity to me. Being at peace with right now and doing my best not to waste it.
Now….I still have a lot of work to do in order to be more often like the mountain, and less like the wind. More peace that passeth understanding, less circular thinking. A lot of work to do.
A lot.
You'll be hearing more from me about it.
Philippians 4:7 King James Version (KJV)
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding,
shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
“We keep missing the moment we’re in. Yet if we can experience the moment we’re in, we discover that it is unique, precious, and completely fresh. It never happens twice. One can appreciate and celebrate each moment—there’s nothing more sacred. There’s nothing more vast or absolute. In fact, there’s nothing more!”
Pema Chodron, Start Where You Are,
p. 4
References
Chödrön, P. (1994). Start where you are: a guide to compassionate living
(1st ed.). Boston: Shambhala.
Teilhard de Chardin, P. (2001). The divine Milieu
(1st Perennial classics ed.). New York: Perennial.
Guardini, R. (1998). Learning the virtues that lead you to God. New Hampshire: Manchester: Sophia Institute Press.
Hammarskjöld, D. (2006). Markings
(1st Vintage spiritual classics ed.). New York: Vintage Books.
Salzberg, S. (1995). Lovingkindness: the revolutionary art of happiness
(1st ed.). Boston: Shambhala.
Salzberg, S. (2008). The kindness handbook: a practical companion.
Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
Nomura, Y. (2001). Desert wisdom: sayings from the Desert Fathers
(Rev. ed.). Maryknoll, N.Y.: Orbis Books.
“In Celtic wisdom we remember that our soul, the very heart of our being, is sacred. What is deepest in us is of God. ” ~John Philip Newell 1
We may be lights under bushels, but we can shine brightly against the dark even if we are mere candles. Together, the light may shine bright.
Silence speaks to us Listening in deep quiet… Hear what you long for! ~Patricia Leyko Connelly 1
"Elegance is the harmonious integration of simplicity, refinement, and intentionality across diverse contexts, combining timeless beauty with functional sophistication." ~ChatGPT Synthesized Definition
Unmade bed, and mind Unmade mind, unready day Night turns into dawn ~Michael Kroth
When I first discovered Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People 1 , I thought the habits he proposed were so simple. They were so self-evident. When I read them, they were so life changing. I remember reading the book and it was one of the biggest “aha” experiences of my life. As I’ve discovered, they are also so, so hard. I became a facilitator for several of Covey’s courses, and I remember him saying that what he was proposing was both simple and hard. What he meant by that was that the concept of the habit (putting First Things First, for example) was simple, and he offered uncomplicated but effective ways to work on them, but integrating that habit into one’s life, into one’s being, was hard. It would take time and perseverance. And, of course, that’s true. I know it’s true because I still have a long way to go on just these seven habits and that’s decades from when I started, and that’s only seven out of abuncha other practices I’d like to adopt, maintain, or improve on. Changing habits or routines is not impossible by any means, but that doesn’t make it easy no matter how much of an expert one might be. We know that smoking is bad for us, and yet quitting smoking can seem impossibly hard. I used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and tried every which way in the world I could to quit, including self-hypnosis, but it took my wife to buy me a smoking cessation program based on aversion therapy (I got a little shock every time I took a puff of smoke) to actually quit. It’s been 45 years since I stopped smoking. But I've known for a long time that eating too much sugar is bad for me, and still I do it. And the scale reminds me of that every day. And still I do it. But I'm working on it. We know that exercise and good nutrition and developing relationships is good for our health over the lifespan, but it takes time and effort to develop them. (For some other thoughts about this, see Whack-A-Mole , Sloughing , The Practice of Practices: The Meta-Practice of Practices ). The good news is that the benefits of working on these practices start accruing from day one, even though getting better at it is a lifetime process. Just because a person knows a good deal about something doesn’t mean that they are skillful at it. Someone who studies generosity isn’t necessarily generous. The worldwide expert in humility isn’t necessarily humble. The medical doctor who rhapsodizes the virtues of exercise isn’t always in the best shape. The theologian who knows more than anyone about some aspect of Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or any religion doesn’t necessarily practice the religious virtues she or he has written about in papers and books. A generous person may know nothing – in fact, probably doesn’t know much – about the latest generosity studies. And the person conducting those studies may be a descendant of Scrooge. Which brings me to the word I came up with for 2024 - elegancing. It’s only fair to ask myself, almost-post-2024, if elegancing has become more of who I am and how I operate in the world. How well, self-reflection should reveal, have I actually practiced it? How deeply have I become an elegant person? Writing a “Prologue” to 2024 Judith Valente asked those of us who took part in her workshop last January, “Prologue to 2024” (see My Word for 2024 – Elegancing ) to write a letter to ourselves about the coming year. I opened that letter on December 21st, and I don’t mind sharing excerpts of what I wrote. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-15-2024 Prologue to 2024 Michael Kroth To the Divine Ground, to the Great Vastness, and to the Inner LastingNess, May this be a year of Elegancing, of winnowing out the chaff, and keeping – reverencing – the grain. The elegant solution is the simplest, nothing extra, nothing missing. “Take More Time, Cover Less Ground,” a song by Carrie Newcomer, is my theme song. It reminds me of Evelyn Underhill. She would pick one retreat for a year, and give that retreat several times. Rather than giving many retreats. Cultivating Spirituality in Later Life is my topic. This means knowing about gerontology, spirituality, and lifelong learning Healthwise is my approach – not worrying about length of life as much as quality of life for as long as I live. To that end, five areas of continual improvement: exercise, nutrition, sleep, emotional/social health, spiritual growth, financial/material health. To consider myself a learner/practitioner in each of these areas. Designing my environment to move toward elegance with a twist (a bit of irreverence tossed in…). Exercising daily, eat healthily, sleep well, become a better (husband, father, friend, and neighbor) person, deepen my spiritual growth, and healthy personal financial management. All these by exercising and strengthening values and virtues and behavior that carry out the Great Commandments (love God and Neighbor). To find and practice the unifying themes between all of these areas of life, (Occam’s Razor, the elegant solutions) such that life becomes increasing and simultaneously simpler and more profound. All this to continually immerse myself in an environment and life of flourishing. Michael Kroth, Student of Life ------------------------------------------------------------------------- That’s what I wrote, and as I sit here on December 30 th 2024 these still are values and approaches that I want to continue to build into myself and my life through 2025 and beyond. I like what I wrote then – it fits where I am and where I want to go. But, have I made much progress? But, have I made much progress? What have I learned about elegancing and myself this past year? Looking back over the year I’ve done pretty well on some of these and on some have I have not. One area in which I have not made much progress is in personal financial management. I've made little steps, but it does not come naturally for me. I just don't think about money much, and not nearly so much as I ought to. I'll have to do better in 2025 as retirement hurdles forward me. Regarding the big four metapractices 2 – spiritual learning, embodied learning, cognitive learning, and socio-emotional learning – elegancing underlies them all. That is, I’m working to go more deeply, more synergistically, and in a less scattered way with each of them, and all of them interacting with each other. Carrie Newcomer’s words, Take More Time, Cover Less Ground 3 , is what Duhigg calls a “keystone habit,” and applies to all of these. “Some habits,” Duhigg says, “matter more than others in remaking businesses and lives.” 4 Focusing more, and what is likely to make the most difference, seems like a good strategy. It is probably self-evident, but my curiosity is a strength and a vulnerability. As one who is interested in learning about many things, it is easy to jump from one fascinating topic to another. To wit, over the last few weeks, I’ve started to learn how to use AI. And it is helping me to learn conversational Spanish. Those are two big topics themselves. Oh, and I’ve backslud a bit on practicing Tai Chi, but it remains on the top of my list. And I want to know more about Spain. Oh, and I’m going to sign up for the Osher Institute this next month. Oh, and I can’t forget…. And yeah, I’m going to Judith’s 2025 retreat on January 11 th , Writing the Prologue to Your New Year . I haven’t come a long way, baby, but I’ve come a ways. And I’m thinking 2025 might be pretty wonderful, even with all its inevitable ups and downs. Focus on the present moment, MK, focus not just on be-coming, but at the same time be-ing. (And let's not forget do-ing...) So, to answer my own question, I've made a little progress, enough to make me feel excited about continuing. Even if my practice of elegance has a long way to go, I know a lot more about elegancing than I did a year ago. I’ve been keeping track of articles about elegance over the last year (I used a Google alert, and am beginning to go deeper with Google Scholar) to learn more about it. More than a fashion choice, elegance applies to advanced technology, design (of all sorts), sports, science, software, and beyond. That’s knowledge, which is good. Practicing until one becomes, until one is be-ing elegant, that’s better. These practices start with the smallest, often the most tenuous, of steps. I feel like 2024 has been a time of taking my first steps toward elegancifying the way I approach the world. Elegancifying . I like it. Maybe that will be my word for 2025. How about you? What will your word be for 2025? Your song? Your desired experience? This elegancing thing might take me a while. Like maybe the rest of my life. Sources and Resources 1 Covey, S. R. (1989). The seven habits of highly effective people: restoring the character ethic. Simon and Schuster. 2 For a more in-depth look at the processes of lifelong formation, see Kroth, M., Carr‐Chellman, D. J., & Rogers‐Shaw, C. (2022). Formation as an organizing framework for the processes of lifelong learning. New Horizons in Adult Education and Human Resource Development , 34(1), 26-36. 3 Carrie Newcomer, Take More Time, Cover Less Ground. https://carrienewcomer.substack.com/p/take-more-time-cover-less-ground-10e 4 Duhigg, C. (2014). Power of habit: why we do what we do in life and business (Random House Trade Paperback Edition ed.), p. 100. 5 Carrie Newcomer, You Can Do this Hard Thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRGnftH_g4I Retreat Information To sign up for Judith’s January 11 th retreat, check it out here: Writing the Prologue to Your New Year
Illustration created by Michael Kroth, with the assistance of OpenAI's DALL-E Tool (my FIRST SECOND using AI!)
