What? No Sabbatical?

“If you and I are ever to have silence in our noisy hearts, we will have to grow it.”

~Nurturing Silence in a Noise Heart, Wayne E. Oates, p. 9

Recently, I was turned down for a sabbatical (I have an article about one person's view of the purpose of university sabbaticals - there is more than one view, as the article points out - linked below). It took me considerably longer to accept that decision emotionally and to go on my way with peace in my heart than I expected. I took this setback poorly, perhaps because I thought acceptance of my proposal was a no-brainer; that it was timely, given my career arc; and that the outcomes proposed were so desirable and so evident for both the university goals and my own, how could they not say 'yes'?  

“How could they not say ‘yes’?” 

Nonetheless, they did not say 'yes'.

This was after their thoughtful review. I missed the university's mark.  So be it.

And yet...

My grumbly spirit about this rejection surprised me, as I have been working assiduously over the last few years to develop more and more equanimity of soul. To accept both good news and bad with peace and graciousness. And though I have made progress, this rejection reminded me that I have quite a ways to go. I admit it, I felt snubbed.

If this relatively small disappointment – I’ll live, I still have a job I love, my wife is a gem and my kids rock, this won’t affect my health, I’ll learn from it, I’ll adapt to this unexpected change of plans, la dee dah, la dee dah – caused unwanted cacophony to bang around in my head, imagine if something serious had occurred. 

Setbacks, it turns out, are par for the course for even the people who have earned our deepest respect. They use disappointments to become better people. David Brooks, in his excellent book, The Road to Character, after describing the character-building stories of such diverse people as Dwight Eisenhower, St. Augustine, Dorothy Day, A. Philip Randolph, Bayard Rustin, George Eliot, Samuel Johnson, George Marshall, and Francis Perkins, concludes that:

Character is a set of dispositions, desires, and habits that are slowly engraved during the struggle against your own weakness. You become more disciplined, considerate, and loving through a thousand small acts of self-control, sharing, service, friendship, and refined enjoyment. If you make disciplined, caring choices, you are slowly engraving certain tendencies into your mind…If you make selfish, cruel, or disorganized choices, then you are slowly turning this core thing inside yourself into something that is degraded, inconstant, or fragmented (pp. 263-264).

It is a slow process, Michael. Slow.

The good news is that we have the ability to transform ourselves. To form ourselves into the kind of people we wish to be. While so much of what happens in the world seems out of our ability to change, changing ourselves is within our power. While the world does its best to distract us from this task, to weaken our resolve, we…can…stay…the…course. We will never be able to perfectly become what we desire, that is, to become perfect, but we can move incrementally, yet inexorably, in that direction. Over time, we will have transformed ourselves. Isn’t that a powerful, exciting thought?

Sharon Salzberg, writing about equanimity – one of my more continuing challenges it seems – says that “the practice of equanimity is learning deeply what it means to let go” (p. 176). Change is continual, and happening all the time, “without ceasing” (p. 178). We forget that, thinking we “have” something that’s ours to keep. Viewed from a long enough continuum, everything is impermanent.

So what does that leave us?

Pema Chodron, writing in When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, says “What seems undesirable in our lives doesn’t have to trigger habitual reactions. We can let it show us where we’re at and let it remind us that the teachings encourage precision and gentleness, with loving-kindness toward every moment,” (p. 178) going on to say that the key is to use difficult (and joyful) situations to “use it as a question about how to let this very situation wake us up further rather than to lull us into ignorance” (p. 178). “This is our choice in every moment. Do we relate to our circumstances with bitterness or with openness” (p. 179)?

All this leads to the conclusion that paying attention to the present moment – not being bummed about the past, not obsessing about the future – and making the most of….this…this present moment…is the key. 

This moment. This feeling. This opportunity. This disappointment. This prayer. This suffering. This joy.

This breath.

And now this one.

I will keep at it. Hopefully making steady progress and over time, substantial progress.

Right now, I still can’t shake that they turned my sabbatical down.

Take a breath, mister. Take a breath.

Sources and Resources

Brooks, D. (2015). The road to character (First edition. ed.). Random House.

Chödrön, P. (2005). When things fall apart: heart advice for difficult times (Mass Market ed.). Shambhala: Distributed in the United States by Random House.

Oates, W. E. (1996). Nurturing silence in a noisy heart: how to find inner peace. Augsburg.

Salzberg, S. (2008). Lovingkindness: the revolutionary art of happiness (Mass Market ed.). Shambhala. 

More about Sabbaticals

Article: Sabbatical As Sacred Time: Contemplative Practice and Meaning in the Neoliberal Academy (or here)