Gifts Unearned

When I first discovered Stephen Covey’s book, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People 1 , I thought the habits he proposed were so simple. They were so self-evident. When I read them, they were so life changing. I remember reading the book and it was one of the biggest “aha” experiences of my life. As I’ve discovered, they are also so, so hard. I became a facilitator for several of Covey’s courses, and I remember him saying that what he was proposing was both simple and hard. What he meant by that was that the concept of the habit (putting First Things First, for example) was simple, and he offered uncomplicated but effective ways to work on them, but integrating that habit into one’s life, into one’s being, was hard. It would take time and perseverance. And, of course, that’s true. I know it’s true because I still have a long way to go on just these seven habits and that’s decades from when I started, and that’s only seven out of abuncha other practices I’d like to adopt, maintain, or improve on. Changing habits or routines is not impossible by any means, but that doesn’t make it easy no matter how much of an expert one might be. We know that smoking is bad for us, and yet quitting smoking can seem impossibly hard. I used to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and tried every which way in the world I could to quit, including self-hypnosis, but it took my wife to buy me a smoking cessation program based on aversion therapy (I got a little shock every time I took a puff of smoke) to actually quit. It’s been 45 years since I stopped smoking. But I've known for a long time that eating too much sugar is bad for me, and still I do it. And the scale reminds me of that every day. And still I do it. But I'm working on it. We know that exercise and good nutrition and developing relationships is good for our health over the lifespan, but it takes time and effort to develop them. (For some other thoughts about this, see Whack-A-Mole , Sloughing , The Practice of Practices: The Meta-Practice of Practices ). The good news is that the benefits of working on these practices start accruing from day one, even though getting better at it is a lifetime process. Just because a person knows a good deal about something doesn’t mean that they are skillful at it. Someone who studies generosity isn’t necessarily generous. The worldwide expert in humility isn’t necessarily humble. The medical doctor who rhapsodizes the virtues of exercise isn’t always in the best shape. The theologian who knows more than anyone about some aspect of Christianity or Hinduism or Islam or any religion doesn’t necessarily practice the religious virtues she or he has written about in papers and books. A generous person may know nothing – in fact, probably doesn’t know much – about the latest generosity studies. And the person conducting those studies may be a descendant of Scrooge. Which brings me to the word I came up with for 2024 - elegancing. It’s only fair to ask myself, almost-post-2024, if elegancing has become more of who I am and how I operate in the world. How well, self-reflection should reveal, have I actually practiced it? How deeply have I become an elegant person? Writing a “Prologue” to 2024 Judith Valente asked those of us who took part in her workshop last January, “Prologue to 2024” (see My Word for 2024 – Elegancing ) to write a letter to ourselves about the coming year. I opened that letter on December 21st, and I don’t mind sharing excerpts of what I wrote. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-15-2024 Prologue to 2024 Michael Kroth To the Divine Ground, to the Great Vastness, and to the Inner LastingNess, May this be a year of Elegancing, of winnowing out the chaff, and keeping – reverencing – the grain. The elegant solution is the simplest, nothing extra, nothing missing. “Take More Time, Cover Less Ground,” a song by Carrie Newcomer, is my theme song. It reminds me of Evelyn Underhill. She would pick one retreat for a year, and give that retreat several times. Rather than giving many retreats. Cultivating Spirituality in Later Life is my topic. This means knowing about gerontology, spirituality, and lifelong learning Healthwise is my approach – not worrying about length of life as much as quality of life for as long as I live. To that end, five areas of continual improvement: exercise, nutrition, sleep, emotional/social health, spiritual growth, financial/material health. To consider myself a learner/practitioner in each of these areas. Designing my environment to move toward elegance with a twist (a bit of irreverence tossed in…). Exercising daily, eat healthily, sleep well, become a better (husband, father, friend, and neighbor) person, deepen my spiritual growth, and healthy personal financial management. All these by exercising and strengthening values and virtues and behavior that carry out the Great Commandments (love God and Neighbor). To find and practice the unifying themes between all of these areas of life, (Occam’s Razor, the elegant solutions) such that life becomes increasing and simultaneously simpler and more profound. All this to continually immerse myself in an environment and life of flourishing. Michael Kroth, Student of Life ------------------------------------------------------------------------- That’s what I wrote, and as I sit here on December 30 th 2024 these still are values and approaches that I want to continue to build into myself and my life through 2025 and beyond. I like what I wrote then – it fits where I am and where I want to go. But, have I made much progress? But, have I made much progress? What have I learned about elegancing and myself this past year? Looking back over the year I’ve done pretty well on some of these and on some have I have not. One area in which I have not made much progress is in personal financial management. I've made little steps, but it does not come naturally for me. I just don't think about money much, and not nearly so much as I ought to. I'll have to do better in 2025 as retirement hurdles forward me. Regarding the big four metapractices 2 – spiritual learning, embodied learning, cognitive learning, and socio-emotional learning – elegancing underlies them all. That is, I’m working to go more deeply, more synergistically, and in a less scattered way with each of them, and all of them interacting with each other. Carrie Newcomer’s words, Take More Time, Cover Less Ground 3 , is what Duhigg calls a “keystone habit,” and applies to all of these. “Some habits,” Duhigg says, “matter more than others in remaking businesses and lives.” 4 Focusing more, and what is likely to make the most difference, seems like a good strategy. It is probably self-evident, but my curiosity is a strength and a vulnerability. As one who is interested in learning about many things, it is easy to jump from one fascinating topic to another. To wit, over the last few weeks, I’ve started to learn how to use AI. And it is helping me to learn conversational Spanish. Those are two big topics themselves. Oh, and I’ve backslud a bit on practicing Tai Chi, but it remains on the top of my list. And I want to know more about Spain. Oh, and I’m going to sign up for the Osher Institute this next month. Oh, and I can’t forget…. And yeah, I’m going to Judith’s 2025 retreat on January 11 th , Writing the Prologue to Your New Year . I haven’t come a long way, baby, but I’ve come a ways. And I’m thinking 2025 might be pretty wonderful, even with all its inevitable ups and downs. Focus on the present moment, MK, focus not just on be-coming, but at the same time be-ing. (And let's not forget do-ing...) So, to answer my own question, I've made a little progress, enough to make me feel excited about continuing. Even if my practice of elegance has a long way to go, I know a lot more about elegancing than I did a year ago. I’ve been keeping track of articles about elegance over the last year (I used a Google alert, and am beginning to go deeper with Google Scholar) to learn more about it. More than a fashion choice, elegance applies to advanced technology, design (of all sorts), sports, science, software, and beyond. That’s knowledge, which is good. Practicing until one becomes, until one is be-ing elegant, that’s better. These practices start with the smallest, often the most tenuous, of steps. I feel like 2024 has been a time of taking my first steps toward elegancifying the way I approach the world. Elegancifying . I like it. Maybe that will be my word for 2025. How about you? What will your word be for 2025? Your song? Your desired experience? This elegancing thing might take me a while. Like maybe the rest of my life. Sources and Resources 1 Covey, S. R. (1989). The seven habits of highly effective people: restoring the character ethic. Simon and Schuster. 2 For a more in-depth look at the processes of lifelong formation, see Kroth, M., Carr‐Chellman, D. J., & Rogers‐Shaw, C. (2022). Formation as an organizing framework for the processes of lifelong learning. New Horizons in Adult Education and Human Resource Development , 34(1), 26-36. 3 Carrie Newcomer, Take More Time, Cover Less Ground. https://carrienewcomer.substack.com/p/take-more-time-cover-less-ground-10e 4 Duhigg, C. (2014). Power of habit: why we do what we do in life and business (Random House Trade Paperback Edition ed.), p. 100. 5 Carrie Newcomer, You Can Do this Hard Thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRGnftH_g4I Retreat Information To sign up for Judith’s January 11 th retreat, check it out here: Writing the Prologue to Your New Year